"Don't be so hard on yourself, Humiliation is the name of the game"

I don't know how to do "a little bit" of anything. I'm never "kind of" happy, I'm fucking elated. I'm not "kind of " rude, I'm an unstoppable asshole. I'm not "kind of" mad, I'm in a rage. Etc. I'm not quite sure why this is so, but Its impossible for me to have it any other way. I've tried, and failed. I'm one of the nicest people I know. Arguably too nice, in fact. Maybe its because of the simple fact that I can't do a little of anything. I'm not quite sure. I also don't take to many individuals, and when I do, I feel such an affinity for them that I would do anything for them. I'm like a perfect dog. which is why I've been surrounded by my closest friends for so long, and we all look out for eachother. I haven't made "new" friends in so long that I forgot how to do it. I've known everyone in my life for so long. Idk, its almost like when you go from having a ton of best friends to none, you assume that anyone you connect with can fill the best friend void. They really can't. And I end up feeling retarded, For thinking so. I also don't get along with girls, and guys are very good at mistaking my friendliness for flirting. Its really not. But whatever. Shit happens, then you die. Idgaf, all day long.

I HAVE A.D.D. I know it

I have always been fascinated by everything, because I think everything has a unique beautiful characteristic. Each soul and energy should be appreciated for the mere fact that it exists with you. For a while though, I lost my desire to look for it. Even being in what really is the most beautiful and lively city in the United States, I wasnt finding it. until today. I dont know how, or why, but i just opened my eyes, and remembered. That sounds dumb, but I feel so refreshed.
Im getting another tattoo in a couple of weeks, this will be number three. I am not 100% on what Im getting yet, still debating, but as soon as I get it i shall post a pic :] but until then I am going to keep it under wraps.
I also had a friend who I am still somewhat friendly with. I spent a couple of my teenage years hanging out with her and she was out of control for a while (as was I but thats not the point, because I always knew I would be alright). but basically she was the last person I would think would have her shit together, but since then, I have seen her have a life changing experience, and though I dont talk to her directly, I know she has changed her life around completely. and its really nice to see. and it gives me hope that no matter how bad it gets, its up to me to make it right, and it is possible to make it right. what ever "it" may be. you know? i dont know, but I am proud of her.
I just had the biggest bowl of spaghetti ever. that was a mistake. ew.
This has been the most add post ever. i think i am done.

6 months.

First, I am going to start off by saying I dont know how the fuck to operate "blogger", just right off the bat. With that said, Im glad it exists. Thank you Monk.

I live in New York City, pretty sweet right? WRONG-O. it blows. for now. I'm still new to it. I just moved here from Las Vegas to take acting class and follow what has been my dream for as long as I can remember, become an actress. I am happy to say that class is going well, but its harder then I had expected. Its worth it though, very much so. I graduated high school in june 09 with an honors diploma and a full ride scholarship to UNLV, I left it behind (along with my chihuahua) to be in New York, and do what I love. Im not sure if that was stupid, or ambitious. Only time will tell, I suppose.

The only thing I really miss is having friends. Friends MY AGE, I have my classmates and I have the people I work with (actually I dont have the people I work with, I kind of loathe them all. I work in a restaurant, the majority of waiters are major deuchelords. No offense. Actually, yes offense, fuck them.) but growing up in a the same place my whole life, I had a group of like 6 best friends who I saw about everyday of my life since I was 6; They got me by, they kept me sane, they gave me perspective. Now all I have are 6 voices over the phone every so often when I'm not busy, or theyre free. Its tough.

And not to be a complaining asshole, but New York winters suck. They are so cold! that sounds stupid, but coming from a place where winter is 45 degrees at the very coldest, and never having to wear a real coat in my life, its a big deal. Christmas time in the city is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year" FUCK THAT. I feel like I am in a Tim Burton movie every where I go, the music, the lights, the crowd, its terrifying, not to mention the cold.

New York situations have started to look up though, friend wise anyway. I do have a few good ones from my acting class, and a couple I have reconnected with from a couple years back, so thats nice. Also, *knock on wood* the weather has been almost bearable lately. Either that or im adapting to the winter nonsense.

We'll see. I spoke with someone when I first moved to new york in september he said, "Give New York 6 months. after that, you will know if you either love it, or hate it. but before that, you are not allowed to judge wether you like it here or not, because youre not familiar enough yet." I'm 4 months in. Its growing on me, I guess. I feel like I have been going about everything the wrong way. I've been striving for results, (my own apartment, a better job, etc...) but I was thinking about it, and its not about where you go, its about how you got there, who you met, and what you learned. I think. I'm not quite sure, but I am certain that I am a hypochondriac, and I am getting sick again, and a nap sounds mighty fine right about now.